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pamela the blender queen

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i can't, i can't. i can't forget. [01 Jan 2006|08:53pm]
[ mood | content ]

seriously, this song owns.

Mkay. Quick update for those of y'all who wear fanny packs.

Christmas = r0x0rzz.

To sum it all up:
I now own FIIIIIVE Ted Leo cds. FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE. 101 r0x0r! (I got Tyranny of Distance, Tell Balgeary... ep, and Treble in Trouble. Hoorah!)

Also, I got so many books that most other kids would consider Christmas to be ruined.
(I got more awesome cookbooks than you can shake a stick at... including books by three of my favorite TV food personalities: Alton Brown, Bob Blumer, and Anthony Bourdain! Yaaaaayyyyy!)

Also, I got so much tea-related stuff, I'm like a pig rolling in shit. Huzzah!

New Years Eve pajama party craziness last night at Kagels' house. It was pretty righteous. We're fucking crazy, even completely sober. We played some Made-Up Card Game this morning... KJ ended up running around outside yelling "I SEE THE BOOGEYMAN," Justin jumped on and kissed a sleeping Bille and said, "Good morning, princess!" (Bille claims that he didn't wake up. Mm-hmm) ...basically, an amazing time was had by all. I miss having the whole crew together like that.

I totally lost my voice like crazy, too. Like, I was completely unable to speak for a while. I'm still super hoarse.

Annnnnnyway, I'm off to watch Haiku Tunnel (um, funniest movie ever made? Aurora... Auroooooorrrraaaaaa...) and get smashed on Twisted Tea with the Broad Squad (reunited at last!). I shall write my 2005 year-in-review later. Ta-ta!

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i've read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous. [16 Dec 2005|06:55pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Listen to More Adventurous by Rilo Kiley

In an email from Tuesday, December 13, 2005: assume as necessary.

Heyyy... I really am sorry that I was so snippy this morning. I understand how you feel and don't necessarily disagree... it's just that your pessimism is a bit unnerving for someone who's just floating on with whatever comes. Nothing has actually changed, but the (probably very warped) way I see it, you've essentially announced that you're eventually going to call the whole thing off preemptively - not to keep it from getting ugly, but to keep it from going too well - at a date yet to be determined but known to be in the not-too-distant future. Do you understand why it might be a little harder for me to enjoy what we have while I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall?

I mean, how close can I allow myself to get to someone whom I know has put a limit on how close he'll allow himself to get to me? There wasn't a problem before to speak of, but now there's a conscious boundary, and that bothers me. Honestly, the thing looming here is the threat of this relationship-whatever-thing going too well and getting more serious than either one of us is equipped to deal with. And so you are talking about ending it. Think about this.


want to end this (eventually)

because you don’t want to allow yourself to have actual feelings for me.

Come on now. How am I supposed to feel here?

So we’re two people who didn’t want to be in a relationship. Guess what? It landed in our laps. As casual as it is, you're kinda in one. With me. I can understand not looking to get into something serious. But that’s different from being outright resistant. And while I’m also not looking for something serious, I’m not particularly interested in being a warm body or a distraction, either.

What we have now (well... before yesterday) is great. I am (was) happy with it exactly the way it is (was). There is enough vague emotional involvement to make me feel cared about, yet it is informal enough that I don’t feel trapped. And honestly, you can’t deny that we have a thing. There is real old-fashioned honest-to-goodness attraction (and even *GASP* feelings!) going on here. If you just wanted a fuck buddy, you failed. Because, y’know, as a rule... fuck buddies don’t sleep together every night. Like actually sleep. That activity alone implies a level of emotional intimacy that is contrary to the whole "friends-with-benefits" system. But now there is a set of implications (or lack of implications) that sullies the whole nice thing we had going on before, when nothing was directly implied (or un-implied). Nothing that was said was anything I didn’t know... it was just things that didn’t need to be (or even shouldn’t have been) said.

All that I know and all that I need to know is this:
Currently, being around you, and all that this entails, is a really nice feeling.

I didn’t have any assumptions about where it would go and how we would end up. I didn’t assume it would be long-term, but I didn’t assume that it would be temporary, either. I wasn’t thinking in terms of time or seriousness or outcome. I was thinking in terms of "hey, this is really nice right now."

We have a really nice thing going right now. So don’t fuck it up before it’s necessary.

I hope you see what it was that upset me. It wasn't that we don't agree on what we want out of this - because we mostly do. It was the boundaries that were set. We probably would have never gotten near them, but that they're there gives me a whole bunch of things to be paranoid about. We have said that we make no assumptions, but by the very nature of our conversation yesterday, I find that you have. And they're contrary assumptions. And that's just not necessary, when I'm making no assumptions in any direction.

Okay, I’ve made my peace. This is what I would have liked to have said last night, but I have a hard time saying what I really mean. I don't even think that I've fully accomplished that goal in this email, but I think I've gotten closer. In short: yesterday's conversation didn't change anything, it just wasn't necessary. I wasn't thinking about the progress of the whole thing - but being told that there can be no progress (regardless of whether or not there would be any anyway) leaves me feeling... odd.

Let's do something tonight. Forget about all of this serious bullshit and just hang out and be goofy and normal. Because heaven knows we might as well.

Let's seriously stop being serious. I kinda hate it.

PS: If you read this whole thing, you deserve a medal.

**i've felt the wind on my cheek coming down from the east, and thought about how we are all as numerous as leaves on trees**

3 comments|post comment

you're the only one who really knew me at all (crosspost) [30 Oct 2005|11:57am]
[ mood | happy ]

Listen to Against All Odds by The Postal Service

Well, boys and girls, I think it's about time for an update on all things culinary, don't you?

My group's last day in the dining room was also our creepy, sleazy, ponytailed dishwasher Herb's last day. He's moving back to Key West. I wish him well. I hope he finds plenty of teenaged girls there to sexually harass.

As much as I hated the dining room (and being in Chef B's class), I'm kinda sad that it's over. I honestly had a lot of fun in there - it doesn't hurt that my group is awesome - and it was really nice to be making tips! Every Tuesday, Justine, Joanna and I would settle down at the end tables with stacks of napkins and gossip over napkin folding. It was a lovely weekly tradition. Joanna said she was going to skip class on the last Tuesday, but didn't when she realized that it was her last chance for napkin-folding time! I think I'm even going to miss Chef B saying the same things over and over again, first stating it as a fact, and then asking it as a question, and then re-stating the fact. ("This dining room looks really great. Doesn't this dining room look great? This dining room looks great.")

Last week, I started Garde Manger class. We're the ones responsible for putting out the weekly buffet on Fridays. There was a little problem with the scheduling, and the class groups didn't stay together like they were supposed to. Luckily, most of our group has stayed together, but honestly... gossiping over aspic trays just doesn't seem right. The rest of the group aside, I'm especially glad that Ferguson and I are still in the same class - we've had every single culinary lab together so far, and I'll be damned if Team Awesome is going to be broken up now!

(This, of course, means that Scott and I are still in the same group - Scott being the guy with whom I am currently in some sort of relationship. The rest of the group - Ferguson aside - is still completely unaware. I feel as though this will eventually lead to some sort of Ugly Scene. Or it will at least lend itself to some very interesting rumors.)

This class seems like it's going to be a lot of fun. I'm excited for the super-creative aspects of things like aspic trays and canapes, though I am less than excited to be making mousselines and terrines. There's a lot of flexibility to do whatever you want in this class, but on the other hand... a lot of this stuff is super-French. Yuck. I like Chef Rascati a lot - she seems tough, but nice; she seems like the "do whatever you want, just clean up afterward" type. The next eight (er... seven) weeks should be a blast.

My first aspic tray came out swimmingly well! Perhaps it was just beginner's luck... It was a very long, narrow tray (for a single row of canapes, perhaps?) - and I did wispy design in bright green with fennel tops, celery leaves, and curly parsley; on top of that, I made a swirling design out of cloves. I had to dip and place each clove by hand. I'm really happy about it. It's such temporary art, though... you spend two or three days making this painstaking design, and then it's ruined in ten minutes... or it starts to rot...

Anyway, being a culinary kid is fun. Intense, but fun. Geeky, but fun. I had a serious jones for some mac and cheese the other evening, so Scott and I made some - now, when normal people want macaroni and cheese, they bust out the Kraft Easy Mac. But when you get two culinary students in a kitchen making mac and cheese, you wind up spending half an hour perfecting the seasoning in your bechamel. We busted out the freshly-grated nutmeg, ground whole mustard seeds, the whole nine yards. I am such a nerd.

...But damn. It was really really good macaroni and cheese.

**we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears**

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it’s gonna take a lot of love to turn things around (crosspost) [28 Oct 2005|10:30pm]
[ mood | mourning, but otherwise happy. ]

Watch a performance by Raul Midon on KennedyCenter.com

in loving memory of my old red glasses

Oh, those red glasses. They were a friend to us all. Over the past few years, they've become somewhat of a trademark. Seeing them broken into three pieces was heartbreaking, and honestly? I think a little piece of me died just then.

But as tragic as this all is, I am quite excited to introduce the world to my NEW red glasses. I went into LensCrafters on Wednesday night with a laundry list of specifications for my new pair. They had to be hip and young and thick and a little gaudy, but not too silly or gimmicky. They had to be wearable in a multitude of situations, since I have to wear my glasses every waking moment of the day. They had too look professional, but not old. They had to be thick enough to look like I was really wearing glasses, but not thick enough to look like every emo kid walking down the street. They had to look different than everyone else's hip, thick, gaudy glasses. Preferably retro. Preferably red.

Well, you know what they say. Ask and ye shall recieve. My new glasses are absolutely perfect. Super-retro cat-eye half-frames, almost the same color as my last pair (just a little more brown). They look sort of like this:
my new spex!

(Everyone who loves bad MSPaint drawings say YEAH!)

I will put up real pictures when I get them. And I promise I'm going to start updating more often again. I really really mean it this time.

**it’s the taking and the giving that makes this life worth living**
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when we get there, you better be ready to rocksteady (crosspost) [25 Oct 2005|03:47pm]
[ mood | lazy ]

Listen to Rocksteady by Marc Broussard

Episode #488:
...Wherein our heroine, attempting to be cryptic, describes her life in terms of extremely obscure references and hides behind useless trivia.

For one day in 1994, the character of Dilbert was drawn with his tie hanging flat. Very few people know why.

Well, if I was Dilbert, my tie would not be curled today.

Also: As of this morning, my beloved red spectacles have met their maker. The metal has snapped on both sides. It's been a good four years. I'll probably write a fitting tribute to the Red Glasses later.

Gosh. This little lady has had far too much excitement for one day.

**i get caught up in the rhythm of your hips and i just can't wait to take this party home**

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[20 Oct 2005|10:52pm]
so anyway, there's this guy... sort of?

(what has become of my nun-itude??)
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woke up today to everything gray (crosspost) [20 Oct 2005|04:40pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

Listen to What You Wish For by Guster (live)

I went to Marcy's on Oak Street this morning for breakfast.

Oh my, I am in love.

That may have been the most perfect breakfast sandwich I've ever eaten in my life. (And you all know how much I love my breakfast sandwiches...) My standard order (bacon, American cheese, egg over-easy) was executed in the best possible way - the egg was sufficiently runny, the bacon (my biggest point of contention with most breakfast sandwiches) was well-done but still chewy (a trick that only real greasy spoons such as this one seem to have mastered), the cheese had reached optimal meltitude. It was hot, fast, and absolutely perfect; they were quick with the coffee refills, and the whole deal only set me back four dollars. Next time, I'm definitely rocking the home fries.

Jeez. It's about damn time I found a good breakfast place!

In other news, Ian and Ferguson were essentially carrying me around in class on Tuesday (don't even ask), and they dropped me, resulting in my knee snapping backward and Fergie falling on top of me. Ever since then, my knee (my bad knee) has been snapping when I put weight on it - which is how it feels when it starts to swell. I even collapsed in the lobby yesterday. That wasn't much fun. I'm crossing my fingers that I'm not heading toward a flare.

The walk to Marcy's today damn near killed my knee, but I needed (and I mean NEEDED) some eggs and bacon. Ever since I started taking methotrexate, I've been having odd and intense food cravings (remember the week this summer when all I would eat was crab cakes and egg salad?) - and the more I research it, the more there seems to be a link. Methotrexate causes iron deficiencies and anemia, and strange food cravings are usually caused by an iron deficiency. It's all coming together. Also, on Thursdays (the days when I feel the nasty effects of the MTX), the best way to keep from feeling nauseous is to keep eating all day. The hitch here is that I often feel too sick to want to eat, and only feel like I can keep certain foods (usually ones I've been craving) down. (Remember the day this summer when all I could eat was Butterfingers?) Hence the short yet ill-advised jaunt to Marcy's.

...And besides, no pain is too great in the quest for a fucking great breakfast sandwich.


I have so very very much to write about these days, you'd think I'd feel more inspired to do so...

**all that i saw just kept going on and on**

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[15 Oct 2005|04:00pm]
there's a bellydance thing going on at Blue tonight, and I'm stoked. there's going to be an open stage... should I??
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[15 Oct 2005|09:49am]
[ mood | disgruntled ]

The people in the next room over were up all night being drunk and loud and listening to Limp Bizkit and (I think - I was half-asleep, and all) smoking the wacky weed.

Wow. I know I'm impressed.

Seriously guys, Limp Bizkit?!??!?

3 comments|post comment

she carries him filled to the brim with Jack and Jim (crosspost) [11 Oct 2005|09:56pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Listen to Hands Out Holds Down by The Littlest Man Band on MySpace

So, anyway... I'm not dead...

Katherine's wedding ended up being a wonderful time. It was a great culture clash - the food was Polish and the music was South African. My crazy family + alcohol = fun. My cousin, the bride, kept trying to get me drunk. She'd call me over and hand me a cup and say, "Hey Pam... drink this. No. Just drink it. Hey... I've got the big white dress, and that means I'm the boss... so, drink this." Also, it turns out that my mom is the Crazy Drunk Aunt. You know what I'm talking about. Every family has one. She brought booze, started handing out drinks, unbuttoned random people's top buttons, loosened their ties, danced around like an ass, the whole nine yards. It was wonderful.

There was a guy, a cute guy, a guy with lovely blue eyes and black hair and glasses, a twenty-six-year-old guy from New Jersey who was quite drunk and a terrible dancer. Oh my god was he adorable. We chatted a bit throughout the evening, and as he was leaving, I figured Hey, what the hell? You're never going to see this guy again, and you are DRUNK. D-R-U-N-K. You can say whatever the hell you want!

So I managed to wave him over and whisper, "Hey, I wouldn't usually say this, 'cuz I know you're here with that girl, but I'm pretty drunk, so... I think you're really cute. I just thought you should know." He seemed flattered, and assured me that the girl he was there with was an old friend, and told me that he reciprocated my statement, and that that'd been one of the reasons that he'd been talking to me and my group throughout the evening. It was silly, and I was tipsy enough to be flattered. Now I understand why they call it liquid courage! In any event, it was one hell of a confidence boost.

I would tell you about the next day, but I think that needs a whole entry of its own. Later, my dears.

**"remember that women always love the bastards," his credo like a pat on the back**

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[04 Oct 2005|02:03pm]
well, I guess stranger things could happen...
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it's to dying in another's arms, and why i had to try it (crosspost) [27 Sep 2005|08:26pm]
[ mood | emo ]

Listen to Konstantine by Something Corporate

So, I had to write up a restaurant concept and menu for my Food and Beverage Purchasing class. It was fairly simple for me, since I've been daydreaming about my future restaurant for as long as I can remember. I've been planning out my restaurant the way that all the other little girls plan their weddings.

I couldn't go into half the detail that I have worked out in my mind, for brevity's sake. But I think I hit the main points in this project. I would love to have High Tea Happy Hour and Twister tournaments and art shows and plays and resident theater troupes and live music and a zine distro and everything. I would love to serve campy food with a smile.

I guess this restaurant plan is just a really big part of me. It's way bigger than a mere school paper - the assignment was just an excuse to put it down on paper. Anyway, I just thought I'd share this little private piece fo myself with you all, my faithful friends and readers. In the form of a lame little school project.

(I know. I'm tacky. Bite me. Thanks.)

Restaurant Concept And Menu ProjectCollapse )

**i can't imagine all the people that you know and the places that you go when the lights are turned down low**

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[26 Sep 2005|04:21pm]
ummmyeah. i wanna go out and do something.
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this is the girl with such fantastic eyes (crosspost) [25 Sep 2005|07:51pm]
[ mood | content ]

Listen to (part of) Goods (It's All In Your Head) by Mates Of State

l'esprit d'escalier:
episode one

My new blog (which is currently in the works) is going to be called "Wit Of The Staircase," which is the English translation of my favorite French "untranslatable," l'esprit d'escalier. It refers to the clever things you wish you'd said but in reality didn't think of until well after the moment passed to say them. My whole life revolves around l'esprit d'escalier.

The situation: The drummer from Planeside was hitting on me all night at the show yesterday.

What I did: Smile politely and inch away.

What I should've said: "If you call me 'baby' one more time, you'll lose a testicle."

Note: I did earn my first-ever on-stage band member shout-out for being hot, which most certainly deserves a place in the record books.

**you can't kill time without injuring us**

2 comments|post comment

[25 Sep 2005|01:09pm]
i have real shit to say, but for now, i just wanna brag about the sweet audioscrobbler code i put on my myspace page. you can go there and see what song i'm listening to right now! and if you click on it, you can see my track history and my personalized music charts! it's just so exciting!
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[23 Sep 2005|04:24pm]
My goal for this weekend:

I would like for someone to have a party, so I can have a couple of drinks, get a little happy, bellydance on a table, and make out with a stranger... snort coke off of hookers... You know, the whole deal.

...But I'd settle for hanging out.
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there will come a day when the rain will fall - the sky will fall, too - a tragedy in blue. [20 Sep 2005|10:16pm]
this project is so fucking boring. if anyone is reading this, pleeeease talk to me and keep me entertained, otherwise i might die from the tedium.

and i need someone to hang out with tomorrow after school, 'cuz i'm pretty sure i'm gonna be traumatized and fun will be necessary for my very sanity.

(i liked that story better when you told it.)
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we'll just glide, starry-eyed (crosspost) [20 Sep 2005|04:12pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

Listen to Come Fly With Me by Frank Sinatra & Count Basie

I love stormy weather.

On days like this, I feel like climbing into bed and making a fort out of the blankets; I feel like curling myself around a big pile of books and a pot of tea; I feel like cuddling indiscriminately with whomever happens to be around (someone cute and of the male persuasion, most preferably - but certainly not necessarily) and watching rainy-day movies like Garden State or We Don't Live Here Anymore.

Today is a raincoats-and-umbrellas, cardigan sweaters, scribbling-in-journals, big-bag-of-almond-cookies kind of day.

Today is one of those days that I forget about how "singly blessed" I am and really just wish I had someone to kiss.

...And I don't even have a DVD player that works. Jeez.

**weather wise, it's such a lovely day**

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[19 Sep 2005|11:01pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

...aaaaaand i've decided that i need an excuse to buy a dress without feeling guilty about it. my dress collection hath been stagnant for TOO LONG!

so i think i'm gonna throw myself a prom for being awesome. that's right, a prom in fucking SEPTEMBER. to hell with tradition. i'm way too awesome for that shit.

...i mean, do YOU have YOUR own prom?

(pretty dresses and bad dancing for EVERYONE!)

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take me back to the basements and alleys on walbridge street (xpost) [19 Sep 2005|10:35pm]
Listen to Bleeding Powers by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists

Bellydancing is a really good workout.
...But then you realize that your curtains are open and there are people in the parking garage across the street watching you.

(I don't think it is physically possible for me to hear "La Tortura" by Shakira and not bellydance. Heavens help us all if I ever hear that song in a crowded room. Especially if I'm drunk.)

I went on the most lovely walkabout yesterday. I'll probably write about it later. I finally got a copy of Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair, too. I'm stoked. None of my used bookstores have had it any time I've looked, and yesterday (on my aforementioned walkaboot) I stepped into a used book store on Munjoy Hill for a moment... and there it was. I am so very very happy.

I need to sing so badly right now. It's like my vocal cords are itchy. I can sing really quietly, but that does nothing to stretch out the low, chesty, belty part of my voice. I need to find a band or choir or SOMETHING before I go CRAZY!

**it'll only make me sadder when i can't conjure ghosts no more... and the road leads somewhere, but it's not yet to your door**
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