In an email from Tuesday, December 13, 2005: assume as necessary.
Heyyy... I really am sorry that I was so snippy this morning. I understand how you feel and don't necessarily disagree... it's just that your pessimism is a bit unnerving for someone who's just floating on with whatever comes. Nothing has actually changed, but the (probably very warped) way I see it, you've essentially announced that you're eventually going to call the whole thing off preemptively - not to keep it from getting ugly, but to keep it from going too well - at a date yet to be determined but known to be in the not-too-distant future. Do you understand why it might be a little harder for me to enjoy what we have while I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall?
I mean, how close can I allow myself to get to someone whom I know has put a limit on how close he'll allow himself to get to me? There wasn't a problem before to speak of, but now there's a conscious boundary, and that bothers me. Honestly, the thing looming here is the threat of this relationship-whatever-thing going too well and getting more serious than either one of us is equipped to deal with. And so you are talking about ending it. Think about this.
want to end this (eventually)
because you don’t want to allow yourself to have actual feelings for me.
Come on now. How am I supposed to feel here?
So we’re two people who didn’t want to be in a relationship. Guess what? It landed in our laps. As casual as it is, you're kinda in one. With me. I can understand not looking to get into something serious. But that’s different from being outright resistant. And while I’m also not looking for something serious, I’m not particularly interested in being a warm body or a distraction, either.
What we have now (well... before yesterday) is great. I am (was) happy with it exactly the way it is (was). There is enough vague emotional involvement to make me feel cared about, yet it is informal enough that I don’t feel trapped. And honestly, you can’t deny that we have a thing. There is real old-fashioned honest-to-goodness attraction (and even *GASP* feelings!) going on here. If you just wanted a fuck buddy, you failed. Because, y’know, as a rule... fuck buddies don’t sleep together every night. Like actually sleep. That activity alone implies a level of emotional intimacy that is contrary to the whole "friends-with-benefits" system. But now there is a set of implications (or lack of implications) that sullies the whole nice thing we had going on before, when nothing was directly implied (or un-implied). Nothing that was said was anything I didn’t know... it was just things that didn’t need to be (or even shouldn’t have been) said.
All that I know and all that I need to know is this:
Currently, being around you, and all that this entails, is a really nice feeling.
I didn’t have any assumptions about where it would go and how we would end up. I didn’t assume it would be long-term, but I didn’t assume that it would be temporary, either. I wasn’t thinking in terms of time or seriousness or outcome. I was thinking in terms of "hey, this is really nice right now."
We have a really nice thing going right now. So don’t fuck it up before it’s necessary.
I hope you see what it was that upset me. It wasn't that we don't agree on what we want out of this - because we mostly do. It was the boundaries that were set. We probably would have never gotten near them, but that they're there gives me a whole bunch of things to be paranoid about. We have said that we make no assumptions, but by the very nature of our conversation yesterday, I find that you have. And they're contrary assumptions. And that's just not necessary, when I'm making no assumptions in any direction.
Okay, I’ve made my peace. This is what I would have liked to have said last night, but I have a hard time saying what I really mean. I don't even think that I've fully accomplished that goal in this email, but I think I've gotten closer. In short: yesterday's conversation didn't change anything, it just wasn't necessary. I wasn't thinking about the progress of the whole thing - but being told that there can be no progress (regardless of whether or not there would be any anyway) leaves me feeling... odd.
Let's do something tonight. Forget about all of this serious bullshit and just hang out and be goofy and normal. Because heaven knows we might as well.
Let's seriously stop being serious. I kinda hate it.
PS: If you read this whole thing, you deserve a medal.
**i've felt the wind on my cheek coming down from the east, and thought about how we are all as numerous as leaves on trees**